Successful Black Men and the Shortage of Good Black Women

[Im The Truth]

Successful Black Men and the Shortage of Good Black Women
©1999 Rom Wills

Meet Mario Johnson. He is a Black man in his mid-thirties. He is different from many other Black men and any man regardless of race. He dresses like an executive. He has on a well-tailored suit, an expensive watch, a leather brief case, and black shoes so polished you could see your reflection. All this is just the surface. What people do not know is that Mario is the General Counsel of a major corporation. He is well educated, with a BA, JD, and a MBA. He is tall, in great shape, and handsome. He volunteers with troubled youth and plans to become politically active. By anyone's standards this brother has his act together.

Meet Sam Watson. He is a Black Man in his mid-twenties. At first glance he may seem like any other young male. He wears stylish baggy clothes. He has dreadlocks and an earring. He only has a high school education. On the surface it looks like Sam does not have anything going for him. That is just the surface. People don't realize that Sam owns three stores specializing in clothes for a young urban crowd. As early as high school Sam was always selling something. After graduation Sam decided to start a business selling T-shirts he'd designed. This business eventually grew to the point that he was able to move from a street corner stand to a small store. He expanded his business to include clothes from other designers. One store became two stores. Two became three. With all the energy he put into his business he simply did not have time for college. Despite this he has a large collection of books on a variety of subjects making him a well-read and well-informed individual.

Meet James Abraham. James graduated college and has a job working as an analyst in a government agency. To his co-workers he is content and average. James' co-workers do not realize he is a different person away from work. James has an entertainment company that produces parties, fashion shows and other functions. In another year James will have saved enough money to quit his government job and pursue his business full-time.

These three brothas are fictional, however, they represent several types of successful men. These men have several things in common. They are all men who worked to get where they are going in life. They have all attained a measure of success. Each one, however, lacks one thing: a special lady with whom to share his life. Someone may look at the examples above and say that men like these should not have any problems finding someone special. Black women greatly outnumber Black men. These men should have literally dozens of women at their beck and call. The reality is that this is not the case. The reality is that for the successful Black man there is a shortage of good women.

The term "good" is relative. What one person considers good another person may consider bad. In this case I use the word "good" to mean women who are good for successful Black men. A successful Black man in most cases will not grab any woman he sees. There are several issues to consider when he chooses a mate. The biggest issue is compatibility.

When people talk about how many women there are for each man, it is never taken into consideration that a man is only going to be compatible with a few women. For example, Phil has college and graduate degrees. He makes six figures, lives in an upscale neighborhood, and drives a late model car. As a result of the supposed shortage of "good" men Phil has several women he can choose from. Let us say for the sake of argument he has met ten single women in one month. All the women are interested in Phil. Two of them, however, are on welfare and view Phil as a way out of their situation. Phil does not bother with them because he realizes they have nothing to offer him. Three have children and although Phil loves children he does not want to deal with issues that come with "babies daddies." Three will be physically unattractive to him. That leaves two women. These two women are professionals with nearly the same credentials as Phil so he still has a choice.

There are still compatibility problems when a successful Black man has to deal with successful or professional Black women. The problem many times stem from background. Several successful Black men come from poor or working class backgrounds. A successful Black man from this background will tend to have a combination a formal education and street smarts. Professional women regardless of their background tend to come from isolated environments. (Not all of course, but a significant number.) A worldly brother and isolated sister do not make for a winning combination. In many cases, this couple may not have much in common beyond economic status and the bedroom. A successful man is going to look for somebody he can talk to and share his life with. Getting back to the example above, Phil does not hook up with either woman. One woman is not worldly enough for him and the other is caught up in a bourgeois existence, which brings me to my next point.

When people talk about relationships in the Black community and particularly about the choices a Black man has to make, few seem to take into consideration class differences. We constantly hear about how professional sisters do not want to date men who are not professionals. We do not hear as much about men who are professionals. As I mentioned above, men want to date someone on their level as well. A successful brother is going to want a certain level of class, education, and sophistication in a mate. He is typically not going to want someone whose biggest concern is her hair and nails. He is not going to want someone who is content to live day to day. With money and success a man will behave in such a way that he is not going to be compatible with everybody he meets.

Another issue the successful brother must consider: is a woman with him for his personality or for his money? A successful brother recalls the time when he was broke and had to walk because he had no car. Times when he could not afford to even take a date to a fast food place. This man remembers when women did not want to be bothered with him. Once this brother has reached a level of measurable success he will look at women differently. He will not want the women who once rejected him. How can he trust them? The experience of being rejected by women when he was broke will affect how a brother chooses a woman once he has money.

Like everyone else in society, a successful Black man is looking for a woman with whom to share his life. Despite what people believe he does not have a lot to choose from. He is looking for a woman to help him grow so he can be the best he can be. He needs a woman who will be a helpmate, not a hindrance. He does not need a gold digger. He does not need an unambitious woman. He does not need someone who will play games with him. He needs a strong positive woman.

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Rom Wills is the author of Nice Guys and Players and can be reached at erlpub@hotmail.com

[RiverWhereTheBloodIsBorn]

Informative.

[G.O.D.F.A.T.H.A.]

This is peace. Uhuru warrior.

[CreatorsCollege]

The unbderlying tone of this argument is superficial values are rationalized as pre-requisites for mates that really don't address the "core" things that will stabilize these men's lives and provide the firm family structure that will support their growing success.

The are various vignettes of "power" plays that men engage in who now feel empowered to "pick and choose" among African women.

They're worried about the wrong thing, and this author stratifies women into tired and strict characterizations that stereotype the women and the men.

As far as I have read, this is not written from an African-centered perspective that addressess the relationship and community needs within the African social structure. Smaks of assimilation to me.

[Elisa Keisha]

Originally Posted by CreatorsCollege

The unbderlying tone of this argument is superficial values are rationalized as pre-requisites for mates that really don't address the "core" things that will stabilize these men's lives and provide the firm family structure that will support their growing success.

The are various vignettes of "power" plays that men engage in who now feel empowered to "pick and choose" among African women.

They're worried about the wrong thing, and this author stratifies women into tired and strict characterizations that stereotype the women and the men.

As far as I have read, this is not written from an African-centered perspective that addressess the relationship and community needs within the African social structure. Smaks of assimilation to me.

thank you. Thats what I was thinkin.

[Im The Truth]

I'm glad you pointed this out, because I knew this when I posted it. I think this article, though it is not from an Afrikan prespective, it shows in other to have someone a certain way, you must get up to there standards. Or if you are the person w/ the standard that you should go no lower. Also it shows the complexity of relationships rather the simplicity that is commonly believed.

Originally Posted by CreatorsCollege

The unbderlying tone of this argument is superficial values are rationalized as pre-requisites for mates that really don't address the "core" things that will stabilize these men's lives and provide the firm family structure that will support their growing success.

The are various vignettes of "power" plays that men engage in who now feel empowered to "pick and choose" among African women.

They're worried about the wrong thing, and this author stratifies women into tired and strict characterizations that stereotype the women and the men.

As far as I have read, this is not written from an African-centered perspective that addressess the relationship and community needs within the African social structure. Smaks of assimilation to me.

[Sha Mecca]

My "sisters" over at Essence claim there's a shortage of good Black men...SOMEBODY'S LYIN!

[Guerilla Black]

Originally Posted by sha mecca

My "sisters" over at Essence claim there's a shortage of good Black men...SOMEBODY'S LYIN!

That's what i'm saying! LOL

[Nia Maishani]

Originally Posted by CreatorsCollege

The underlying tone of this argument is superficial values are rationalized as pre-requisites for mates that really don't address the "core" things that will stabilize these men's lives and provide the firm family structure that will support their growing success.

There are various vignettes of "power" plays that men engage in who now feel empowered to "pick and choose" among African women.

They're worried about the wrong thing, and this author stratifies women into tired and strict characterizations that stereotype the women and the men.

As far as I have read, this is not written from an African-centered perspective that addressess the relationship and community needs within the African social structure. Smaks of assimilation to me.

Creators College, I know you are tired of me saying this, but Brotherlove, your posts are consistently brilliant. For a minute, I was just sitting here reading, looking like a deer in someone's headlights until I reached your post. That's not to take anything away from ANYTHING, but just saying.

Many years ago, I purchased and read Rom Wills' "Nice Guys and Players" only after Yao Nyamekye Morris successfully twisted my arm to check it out. Although I will give it to him that there were a few bits and pieces of on point information in that book (such as no matter what a brother does, if the woman is not interested in and/or attracted to him, it's not going to be a hookup, going overboard trying too hard to impress is a turnoff, etc.), it was mostly a bunch of left field stereotypes. For example, he discussed how a brother has to be clean cut and have nice, new, clean and shiny shoes and be stylish and all this other stuff that is just off point blanket statements. The book was intended as a guidebook for men, whom Brother Wills says should strive to be not the "nice guy," not the "player," but I believe he termed it "Mr. Good Bar" or something rather corny like that. At any rate, I'm glad to see you didn't bite the bait and don't follow stereotypes. Third Eye Vision.

[CreatorsCollege]

Originally Posted by Nia Maishani

Creators College, I know you are tired of me saying this, but Brotherlove, your posts are consistently brilliant. For a minute, I was just sitting here reading, looking like a deer in someone's headlights until I reached your post. That's not to take anything away from ANYTHING, but just saying.

Many years ago, I purchased and read Rom Wills' "Nice Guys and Players" only after Yao Nyamekye Morris successfully twisted my arm to check it out. Although I will give it to him that there were a few bits and pieces of on point information in that book (such as no matter what a brother does, if the woman is not interested in and/or attracted to him, it's not going to be a hookup, going overboard trying too hard to impress is a turnoff, etc.), it was mostly a bunch of left field stereotypes. For example, he discussed how a brother has to be clean cut and have nice, new, clean and shiny shoes and be stylish and all this other stuff that is just off point blanket statements. The book was intended as a guidebook for men, whom Brother Wills says should strive to be not the "nice guy," not the "player," but I believe he termed it "Mr. Good Bar" or something rather corny like that. At any rate, I'm glad to see you didn't bite the bait and don't follow stereotypes. Third Eye Vision.

Beloved Sister!

I am humbled by your impression of my input. I AM a BELIEVER in the wholeness and health of Pan-Africans. I am fed by the innersight and overstanding that I have gotten from participating on this forum.

I was raised by a woman who has been everything that a woman can "be" in this existence, and to play on her intelligence was the worst insult to her.

My birth was a life-changing event for my mama, and as is true with many of us who are born to very young mothers, we grew up together. Mama has raised her game to a such a Spiritual level that I feel as though she is "speaking in tongues" when we speak.

All I can remember about rhetoric and philosophy groing up is that when you engage mama, you got to "bring it," because she needed more than the superficial shorthand that passed for conversation and thought around her.

For example, if I did something that she thought was unacceptable and or wrong, when she asked why? she wanted to know WHY??

"I need to understand the thought process that brought you to the decision to do that, so that I can help you not use that thought pattern to come to that conclusion again"

Saying "I don't know" translated into I need another psych session so let me go on and sit down, cause this wil be a while.

IT WAS WORSE THAN A WHIPPING. I had to THINK. I got better at it, and the lessons became less corrective and more instructive. It is a credit to my mama for you to express these thoughts, for it is her wisdom and knowledge that I allow expression on these posts most times.

The fundamental lesson that she taught me is that ignorance and poor thinking fed by misinformation is the primary trap for black men in America, and her goal was to at least equip me and my brothers with the thinking skills
to navigate the gauntlet.

"you know better" took on a whole other meaning in our house.

Peace & Love!

[Belsidus]

Greetings Nia Maishani,

With all due respect I have to question your "Third Eye Vision". I am familiar with not only the works of Rom Wills but also Yao Nyamekye Morris. I have met and spoke with both gentlemen several times. As you indicated Rom is the author of "Nice Guys and Players" and also the follow-up, "Sexual Chemistry - Nice Guys and Players Level II". Yao is the author of "Amanmere - The Natural Blueprint for Sexual Relationships" and "The Return - Book One of the Yao". Both teach workshops on holistic sexuality.

"Nice Guys and Players" on the surface seems simple but in reality it provides "common man" definitions of deeper principles which can actually be traced back to Kemet. Keep in mind as you read that both Rom and Yao are Afrikan-Centered at the deepest level as Rom is a devotee of the Ewe diety Afa (Ifa in Yoruba) and Yao has been an Okyame with the Akan and is with the Ausar Auset Society.

Now let's look at the "left field stereotypes" presented in "Nice Guys and Players" which by the way Rom in his book acknowledges originally came from Yao and also are presented briefly in Yao's book, "The Return". Rom's interpretations were based on his own observations.

The four "stereotypes" were as follows:

Nice Guys - Generally rejected by women because they are bland and clueless.

Gamesmen - Generally rejected by women because they lack looks, money or charm.

Masked Men - Generally pursued by women because they have an above-average income and status.

Mr. Goodbar - Generally pursued by women because they have looks, sex appeal, and charm.

Rom also added a fifth category, the "Real Man" which combines the best qualities of the above.

Now on the surface the above definitions seem like they are indeed out of left field. To the casual observer who has no idea of true Afrikan Spiritual Science they are indeed "out there". On a spiritual level the categories represent something deeper.

The first consideration is the Afrikan concept of masculine/feminine duality more popularly known through the terms Yin and Yang. A point in Rom's book was that a man needed to be a balance between a Nice Guy and a Player. The categories represent Yin and Yang energy as follows:

Nice Guys - Yin
Gamesmen - Yang
Masked Men - Yin
Mr. Goodbar - Yang
Real Man - Balanced

If you read the book in a state of peace you will that Rom provides suggestions as to how each category can become balanced.

Now on a still deeper level each of the categories can be based on the four elements of air, water, earth and fire. Each of the four categories corresponds to an element.

Nice Guys - Earth
Gamesmen - Air
Masked Men - Fire
Mr. Goodbar - Water

This is just one elemental system. Now both Rom and Yao work with elemental sytems. Many indigenous cultures around the world categorize people by a five element system which is Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal and Water. One Afrikan culture which uses this type of system is the Dagara of which Malidoma Some is a member.

For those who are familiar with the Tree of Life system of the Ausar Auset Society each category corresponds to specific deities:

Nice Guys - Maat
Gamesmen - Sebek
Masked Men - Herukhuti
Mr. Goodbar - Het Heru

Of course, in a westernized context the categories take on the more dysfunctional aspects of these dieties. Also for the more advanced spiritual student there might be some small points which seemingly contradict. A fuller overstanding of everything would quite frankly involve an entire thread which would put everything in context. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to produce such a thread.

Moving on.

Another very important consideration is that both Rom and to a greater extent Yao have the ability to receive information directly from Ascended Ancestors. The above categories have been endorsed by Ancestors who can see far better than we can. In fact it would interesting to have those on this board who are capable of doing divination comment on the information provided on this post.

As an aside any information claimed to be received from the Ancestors should be verified by competent diviners.

I wrote this post not to be antagonistic but an issue I'm seeing is that many people who call themselves conscious or claim to be able to see with a "Third Eye" quite frankly are only at the tip of the iceberg.

Think on this.

Peace,
Belsidus

[Sha Mecca]

@ Creator's College
Your mother approach...I'm stealing it!!

[Nia Maishani]

Revolutionary greetings Belsidus,

Let me just be very clear that my comment "Third Eye Vision" was certainly not in reference to myself, but to the brother to whom I addressed my post. Nothing in your response has led me to second-guess or wish to rethink or take back that assertion. The brother consistently shows evidence of thinking well below the surface.

And now back to myself. I read a good portion of "The Return" until I mistakenly left it unattended in a public facility some years ago, and returned shortly to find it gone. I haven't been able to secure a copy since then to complete the reading. I got a great deal however out of the amount I did read, and especially the concept of spiralling. I too have shared lengthy conversation in person with Brother Morris, and have dialogued with Brother Wills electronically. I am going to locate the book that I did read in its entirety by Brother Wills, and I am going to share some excerpts. A couple of years ago, he gave me permission to do so in another forum.

Please don't get me wrong and think that I am meaning to insult either of these Afrikan kings or to decimate anything they have studied or that they stand for. But before I return with those examples, I will say two other things.

1. We *all* have an opinion on what or whom is conscious and what/whom is not and what is or is not Truth or Enlightenment. The school of thought you advocate or from whence Brothers Morris and Wills come is one out of a sea of excellent schools through which to investigate and glean whatever we may. The examples you provided, I will say contain too many "generally" generalizations for me. Too monolithic, and too pigeonholish.

2. In the article posted at the beginning of this thread, it doesn't take a genius or spiritually un/advanced individual to see that some of what is suggested is pure judgmental opinion and assumption. I present to you:

Meet Mario Johnson. He is a Black man in his mid-thirties. He is different from many other Black men and any man regardless of race.
But what follows doesn't show in any way that he is "different from many other Black men and any man regardless of race." How conscious of an Afrikan to say so, I might add, seeing how, as the vignette ends, he's got "his act" together by anyone's standards.

In the book "Nice Guys and Players", this type of brother is held up as the epitome of what an Afrikan Brother should be. I.e., an imitation caucazoid CEO. I'm college educated as well, but I would never elevate the Europeon formal education and its subjective degrees as the highest ideals for which an Afrikan should strive.

Meet Sam Watson. He is a Black Man in his mid-twenties. At first glance he may seem like any other young male. He wears stylish baggy clothes. He has dreadlocks and an earring. He only has a high school education.

"Dreadlocks?" ONLY a high school education?

On the surface it looks like Sam does not have anything going for him.

In whose opinion? Wills'? Is it not stereotyping to suggest that it is shocking to find a "hip hop dress" brother who is a business owner and reads lots of books?

Meet James Abraham....

James Abraham sounds like my friend Monte who skipped working for coporate amerikkka after college and is now a very successful, well-paid entrepreneur who was always selling something back in the day. Had no problem finding a wife.

These men should have literally dozens of women at their beck and call.

Why? Because of the socioeconomic security alone???

The reality is that for the successful Black man there is a shortage of good women.

Yet, just about every "successful" black man I know has a good woman.

In this case I use the word "good" to mean women who are good for successful Black men. A successful Black man in most cases will not grab any woman he sees. There are several issues to consider when he chooses a mate. The biggest issue is compatibility.

Translation: There are hardly any Afrikan women out here who are "good" for a successful Black man. The title itself says so--those are not MY words!

Let us say for the sake of argument he has met ten single women in one month. All the women are interested in Phil. Two of them, however, are on welfare and view Phil as a way out of their situation.

Wow. This is getting so deep. We all know that all Sistahs "on welfare" are looking for a rich man to pull them out of "their situation," right? Let's let our elevated spiritual awareness draw that conclusion and scratch those hoodrats off the list. We don't have that worry with the others on the list, since they have jobs and/or careers and/or come from wealth.

Phil does not bother with them because he realizes they have nothing to offer him.

Yet, I don't realize it, because I've only been given one detail about them. Now, I'm confused.

Three have children and although Phil loves children he does not want to deal with issues that come with "babies daddies."

Wait a second. First, they have nothing to offer him, then they have children??? Oh yeah, black children are nothing--I forgot. Like the mothers, the children will never amount to anything, and therefore aren't "good" enough for a "successful" brother. And of course Afrikan women with children automatically have "babies' daddies" and accompanying "issues."

Three will be physically unattractive to him.

How deep.

A successful brother is going to want a certain level of class, education, and sophistication in a mate. He is typically not going to want someone whose biggest concern is her hair and nails.

Of course that rules out 99% of us.

He is not going to want someone who is content to live day to day. With money and success a man will behave in such a way that he is not going to be compatible with everybody he meets.

And if he is so "well behaved," doubtful he'll be compatible with ANY Sistah who is about real upward movement. This brother talks about "class," "education," "sophistication" and *puke* "money," as if these (obviously Europeon) concepts are what brothers should chase. I'm talking about Europeon definitions of these concepts, because as has been so aptly mentioned by Creators College, there is nothing in this piece that even remotely suggests Afrikan centeredness. If it does, then that is the type of Afrikan centeredness I can do with out, asante sana.

Another issue the successful brother must consider: is a woman with him for his personality or for his money?

Probably his money if it's longer than his personality.

A successful brother recalls the time when he was broke and had to walk because he had no car. Times when he could not afford to even take a date to a fast food place.

What is successful about a brother who would even dream of feeding his woman McDeath? I'd rather have a brother take his food stamp coupons/card and purchase some fresh fruit someplace for us to snack on, personally. I would truly appreciate and respect him much more.

The experience of being rejected by women when he was broke will affect how a brother chooses a woman once he has money.

Well now that seems rather unfair. Did Phil exhibit any of this money-created class and sophistication when he was broke? Or did he just step to a young lady in tired, predictable manners until he finally got a benjamin in his pocket to use as a character substitute?

Despite what people believe he does not have a lot to choose from. He is looking for a woman to help him grow so he can be the best he can be. He needs a woman who will be a helpmate, not a hindrance. He does not need a gold digger. He does not need an unambitious woman. He does not need someone who will play games with him. He needs a strong positive woman.

If Phil had his SOUL intact instead of focusing on chasing trinkets and trappings, he wouldn't even be concerned about any of those things. He would feel confident and faithful that those qualities are his for the choosing, and that they just might be within the spirit of one of those so-called unattractive sistahs he REJECTED.

[Nia Maishani]

Creators College,

Brother, that was a most Blackspirational mini-tribute you offered regarding your most Blacknificent upbringing! Asante sana, and I bow in Her Royal Blacktacular Honor *namaste*.

I'm sure she would appreciate those words Blackfinitely.

@Sha Mecca~~I can not wait until the next time my youngster tells me "I don't know" why a careless slip was made.

I'm going to broach the dialogue verbatim.

Revolutionary Parenting Gems 101.

[IfasehunReincarnated]

Originally Posted by sha mecca

My "sisters" over at Essence claim there's a shortage of good Black men...SOMEBODY'S LYIN!

From what I hear about Black women (except my wife of course) all of them are either Lesbians, married, dogs, in Jail (holding drugs for the ex-boyfriends no doubt), too lazy to work or quickly becoming an endangered species. Thats true right?

* looks to see who has read the thread in the mens' only forum yet. lol *