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    1. #1

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      Factors To Consider When Getting Married?


      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      Ok this might seem like a really really stupid question but what do you consider the important factors or "A MUST" for you to marry someone?

      Should things like them be shorter than you, illiterate, fat etc matter? (all superficial I know) if everything else is more on less on point?

      Should we do what it takes to be happy even if it means sacrificing some of our desires and if we do sacrifice some of our personal desires then can we truly be happy?

      I am a baby to some things, even with all my worldly experiences so your wisdom is needed...

      Thanks in advance

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    2. #2
      Sourakhata's Avatar
      Sourakhata is offline Proud Son of West Afrika

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      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      This is a very hard question to answer, I did not even find the answer for myself but I know perfection does not exist and what count the most are personality and character. Physical appearances are significant for some and meaningless for other, it's a subjective matter.

      What's important is to find in a person what you've been looking for and they are too many aspects to chose one, only you can know which one has to be predominant.
      One thing is sure though, she has to be a beautifulqueenubianafrikanuntamablewarrioresstrong artisticandgentle, that's make one "must", isn't it?

      And no matter what game they play
      We got something they could never take away
      And it's the fire (fire), it's the fire (fire)
      That's burning down everything
      Feel that fire (fire), the fire (fire)
      No water could put out this fire (fire)



    3. #3

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      Excellent Topic!


      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      You know, if I could actually make a "patchwork brother" for myself, I would have been married a long time ago.
      I, too, am a baby myself, but I was raised around grown folks so I heard "some thangs." lol

      Physical appearance, among other things, does matter. It doesn't make you shallow; it makes you human. You have to be attracted to your mate. Granted, what one deems physically attractive, someone else may not.

      As far as sacrificing some preferrences while still maintaining happiness...that can be done as well. I know this may sound real therapist like, but make a top 3 or a top 5 (not more than 5) list of "must-haves". These aspects of your future mate's personality that he must have for the relationship to progress. Anything not on that top 5 list can be flexible, and not necessarily a dealbreaker. That way, you are actually making compromises vs. sacrifices. Feel me?
      "......there can be no Revolution without Revelation..."--KRS One

    4. #4
      Im The Truth's Avatar
      Im The Truth is offline Organizer

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      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      "If the enemy is not doing anything against you, you are not doing anything"
      -Ahmed Sékou Touré


      "speak truth, do justice, be kind and do not do evil."
      -Baba Orunmila

      "Cowardice asks the question: is it safe? Expediency asks the question: is it political? Vanity asks the question: is it popular? But conscience asks the question: is it right? And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor political, nor popular - but one must take it simply because it is right."
      --Dr. Martin L. King


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    5. #5
      Majadi's Avatar
      Majadi is offline Warrior

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      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      This ish' will never be perfection it is always perfecting itself! A relationship is much like a human being, it needs to eat, sleep, drink be nurtured and every now and then the relationship (not the people) need a whoopin'!

      Early on the couple need to practice truth and lay out what they feel about money, religion and even obscure thing like who will take out the garbage! Truth above all feelings of not wanting to "hurt" the other person is the best. It has taken me years to get that now I speak the truth at all times to my wife, regardless of feelings. If you want to know my opinion, ask I will say it, you might not like it but I will. I have always sought to practice balance, MAAT in my relationships, my problem is that I give too much and have expected nothing in return. Don't do that, have some standards, even in looks and health related issues. Perhaps you cannot process dealing with someone with a weight issue, obviously that sounds mean. However if you ar one who cannot deal with that, be honest with yourself. Me personally I love all of our afrikan women, short, tall, heavy, narrow, light, dark, it's all Afrikan love to me, just make her Afrikan!!!

      At any rate your standards should be the determinate in this, there are good folks for all of us we just need to be in the energy that we are seeking. Once a young lady I worked with asked me where to find brothas like myself. I then asked her well, where do you normally find dates? To this she responded, in local lounges and bars! Of course I told her well, I am not in those places nor are my friends. We are in the local community center teaching chiildren Afrikan history and taking them to museums and stuff. She told me she can't go to those places, she finds them boring....the point is that you have to be inside of the energy you are seeking! You have to be the thing you are seeking as well, no sacrifice need to be made be what you are! I have recently been told that I am too "Big" meaning that I am too intense and my ideas and space I take up is too "large". I foolishly offered to "small" myself down, I knew this was not the answer to give but I was told that no one should have to do that!!! This is true so I will never say that we should be other than self. Being true to your nature and accepting nothing less is the best way to ensure a lasting relationship!!!

    6. #6

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      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      Quote Originally Posted by Sourakhata View Post
      This is a very hard question to answer, I did not even find the answer for myself but I know perfection does not exist and what count the most are personality and character. Physical appearances are significant for some and meaningless for other, it's a subjective matter.

      What's important is to find in a person what you've been looking for and they are too many aspects to chose one, only you can know which one has to be predominant.
      One thing is sure though, she has to be a beautifulqueenubianafrikanuntamablewarrioresstrong artisticandgentle, that's make one "must", isn't it?
      LOL@"beautifulqueenubianafrikanuntamablewarrioress trongartisticandgentle"

      yeah that is definitely ONLY ONE thing

      Thanks for your response...

      But question even tho it is subjective, there must be some concrete wisdom to that imperfect but perfect one for you right?
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    7. #7

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      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      Quote Originally Posted by Seeking Ma'at View Post
      You know, if I could actually make a "patchwork brother" for myself, I would have been married a long time ago.
      I, too, am a baby myself, but I was raised around grown folks so I heard "some thangs." lol

      Physical appearance, among other things, does matter. It doesn't make you shallow; it makes you human. You have to be attracted to your mate. Granted, what one deems physically attractive, someone else may not.

      As far as sacrificing some preferrences while still maintaining happiness...that can be done as well. I know this may sound real therapist like, but make a top 3 or a top 5 (not more than 5) list of "must-haves". These aspects of your future mate's personality that he must have for the relationship to progress. Anything not on that top 5 list can be flexible, and not necessarily a dealbreaker. That way, you are actually making compromises vs. sacrifices. Feel me?
      Yes makes a lot of sense....see I am very scared that having all these "mush haves" might lead me to either being lonely or being with someone that really doesnt treat me the way I should!

      Ever felt that way?
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      A Gentleman Will Not Insult Me, And No Man Not A Gentleman Can Insult Me

      To Make A Contented Slave, It Is Necessary To Make A Thoughtless One

      If There Is No Struggle, There Is No Progress


    8. #8

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      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      Quote Originally Posted by Majadi View Post
      This ish' will never be perfection it is always perfecting itself! A relationship is much like a human being, it needs to eat, sleep, drink be nurtured and every now and then the relationship (not the people) need a whoopin'!

      Early on the couple need to practice truth and lay out what they feel about money, religion and even obscure thing like who will take out the garbage! Truth above all feelings of not wanting to "hurt" the other person is the best. It has taken me years to get that now I speak the truth at all times to my wife, regardless of feelings. If you want to know my opinion, ask I will say it, you might not like it but I will. I have always sought to practice balance, MAAT in my relationships, my problem is that I give too much and have expected nothing in return. Don't do that, have some standards, even in looks and health related issues. Perhaps you cannot process dealing with someone with a weight issue, obviously that sounds mean. However if you ar one who cannot deal with that, be honest with yourself. Me personally I love all of our afrikan women, short, tall, heavy, narrow, light, dark, it's all Afrikan love to me, just make her Afrikan!!!

      At any rate your standards should be the determinate in this, there are good folks for all of us we just need to be in the energy that we are seeking. Once a young lady I worked with asked me where to find brothas like myself. I then asked her well, where do you normally find dates? To this she responded, in local lounges and bars! Of course I told her well, I am not in those places nor are my friends. We are in the local community center teaching chiildren Afrikan history and taking them to museums and stuff. She told me she can't go to those places, she finds them boring....the point is that you have to be inside of the energy you are seeking! You have to be the thing you are seeking as well, no sacrifice need to be made be what you are! I have recently been told that I am too "Big" meaning that I am too intense and my ideas and space I take up is too "large". I foolishly offered to "small" myself down, I knew this was not the answer to give but I was told that no one should have to do that!!! This is true so I will never say that we should be other than self. Being true to your nature and accepting nothing less is the best way to ensure a lasting relationship!!!

      NO DUMBING DOWN MAJADI YOU TOO POWERFUL!

      Ok...mmmm

      Interesting!

      So I guess you are saying no compromising at all?
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    9. #9
      Majadi's Avatar
      Majadi is offline Warrior

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      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      Quote Originally Posted by La Bella Afrique View Post
      NO DUMBING DOWN MAJADI YOU TOO POWERFUL!

      Ok...mmmm

      Interesting!

      So I guess you are saying no compromising at all?

      Having done this before....trust me beloved, NO COMPROMISE...What would you be if you did, less than self? No longer a revolutionary? People use the word compromise like it means harmony, but it doesn't it means to give something up, which is what the other person would do as well. That is madness, so now you have two people, less than themselves coming together. That is what I call a half-ass relationship!!!

      If you cannot be the whole of you, then how did the other person learn to love you? Never compromise! I am all that I am because of my ancestral blood and my creator, I will never be less than this! If it were to mean I would be alone for the rest of my life....then so be it!!

    10. #10

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      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      Quote Originally Posted by Majadi View Post
      Having done this before....trust me beloved, NO COMPROMISE...What would you be if you did, less than self? No longer a revolutionary? People use the word compromise like it means harmony, but it doesn't it means to give something up, which is what the other person would do as well. That is madness, so now you have two people, less than themselves coming together. That is what I call a half-ass relationship!!!

      If you cannot be the whole of you, then how did the other person learn to love you? Never compromise! I am all that I am because of my ancestral blood and my creator, I will never be less than this! If it were to mean I would be alone for the rest of my life....then so be it!!
      I agree

      But I meant not in compromising self, but comprimsing that which you look for in a mate

      What if they have 80% of what you want, should you let go til you find the 100%,
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    11. #11
      Fenix's Avatar
      Fenix is offline aFROdemic

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      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      I don't believe in checklists and the like because it's that sort of thinking that has led many to miss out on love.

      We often make the mistake of not getting to know people because they don't fit some mold that we've fashioned.

      Grandma always said don't ask of anyone what you won't ask of yourself. So I know better than to look for someone to "complete me" and all of that nonsense lol. j/k

      Compatibility is key. That's what I will look for in a partner. Does he laugh at the same goofy things as me? Do we have similar ideas about raising children? Etc. If I find someone that I am compatible with, I have faith that all other things will fall in line.
      "Oh Africa! When shall be the term of thy long degradation? Behold here, even now, I pledge thee, O my Mother, that I shall devote my years to thee, shall work for thy redemption, shall love thee and be proud of thee and glory in thy power now lying dormant and shall strive to bring it to the light. Take my youth, my labors, my love, my all and do thou when I shall have died for thee, take me to thy bosom, an untamed, untamable African." -Hubert Harrison

    12. #12

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      Dealbreakers


      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      Quote Originally Posted by La Bella Afrique View Post
      Yes makes a lot of sense....see I am very scared that having all these "mush haves" might lead me to either being lonely or being with someone that really doesnt treat me the way I should!

      Ever felt that way?
      I am sure that you have some "dealbreakers" (read: ish that you just flat out won't deal with, no matter how nice of a person one may be) when it comes for finding a mate. That top no-more-than-5 list should include those dealbreakers, and unless those are some haaaardcore ones, you shouldn't have to worry about missing out or being lonely. The list isn't meant for you to create "the perfect mate" on paper and then seek out that such individual. You will be disappointed and lonely if you make it serve that purpose. However, the recommendation was really to draft a list so that you can stay focused on the things that you most want and that you will not compromise on whatsoever in a mate.

      At any rate your standards should be the determinate in this, there are good folks for all of us we just need to be in the energy that we are seeking. Once a young lady I worked with asked me where to find brothas like myself. I then asked her well, where do you normally find dates? To this she responded, in local lounges and bars! Of course I told her well, I am not in those places nor are my friends. We are in the local community center teaching chiildren Afrikan history and taking them to museums and stuff. She told me she can't go to those places, she finds them boring....the point is that you have to be inside of the energy you are seeking! You have to be the thing you are seeking as well...
      I agree a hundred-fifty-percent with this. I have seen this work in my own life. I would go hang out at the club with my girls, just to have something to do on a weekend-night. I would wonder why they would get approached by men but I wouldn't...Now, let me go to a poetry joint, a jazz club, or a bookstore. Those are venues where I get approached. My conclusion? Same as Bro. Majadi--be the NRG you are seeking and put yourself in situations/environments that draw people with that same type of NRG.
      "......there can be no Revolution without Revelation..."--KRS One

    13. #13
      Majadi's Avatar
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      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      Quote Originally Posted by La Bella Afrique View Post
      I agree

      But I meant not in compromising self, but comprimsing that which you look for in a mate

      What if they have 80% of what you want, should you let go til you find the 100%,
      I guess if you can be secure that the 20% that is missing is not something to harm your spiritual and by extension physical health then cool. I mean to find perfection is like us chasing a unicorn tail! (It can't happen). What I mean is in a way by submitting to what the elders use to call a "piece of a man" is silliness to me! Our sistarrs can't waste time "raising him up" this would mean that if she dies or is incapacitated he becomes useless again. That 20% may be for you the "tolerable" stuff, you know, he has bad table manners, passes flatulence in public, stuff like that though it seems small may be annoying to the point of intolerable!

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