Keeping it simple By Yahmeesh Y.A.I
by, 08-28-2013 at 05:57 AM (1598 Views)
When obligation goes wrong or when gratitude becomes overrated.
Who's at fault?
It's usually me.
Because I'm used to manipulating situations, to gain, a rather successful result of visibility, without losing, anything but my integrity. Usually failing to see, what part I play in the decision factor; completely. Then I have the audacity to get upset, apologize, then do it all over again ;and again; and again.
"Humility ain't charming" Nh'r proverb
And frankly, neither is rudeness.
Case in point: I enjoyed my service time but I didn't love it.
I spent the majority of my career smoking weed. I haphazardly, depending on who you ask, stumbled upon ways to advance.
Now, I know it was God.
But, then my back gave out.
I was unable to maintain gainful employment in service, but during my medical detachment board, I flopped and blew my med discharge.
But I was crazy before all that.
I "P-90 Xed" the exam. I mean- I was, bending, reaching, stretching and pulling. I wasn't supposed to do that. You see, people who suffer my diagnosis, are medically retired and aren't OK. There disabled for life.
But I knew everything and nothing at all.
I was discharged, struggling mentally, in hindsight, to my mothers teachings of self worth; I lost it, and me, some years ago in insanity.
But I was so obligated to touch, reach, and pull...
I spent so much time locked in my own misery. I put the med board examiners influence before my choices.
The loan without repayment.
The grin and bear it.
I was a real victim. I was totally brainwashed and institutionalized never to put my best interest first.
I believed the hype.
I was powerless, and again, hella resentful. Being "put in a corner", challenged me, to tap my spiritual reserve and I was bankrupt.
My life became seriously altered, and no one, was responsible, to pick up the pieces but me.
My religion had offered discipline, but it wasn't enough anymore. Cause only young, naive dummies did what I accomplished; fail miserably. The light was on, but the work inside wasn't going to work itself. It needed me to put a voice on it. Claim my reality back ,and restore the strength of my inspiration.
Prayer, inventory and group work helped release years of mental bondage. Now I'm equipped, with the power to decide (Spiritually, emotionally or physically) how my story will unfold; preferably without pain to myself or others, but I'm not perfect, I still suffer from stress and fear. Although, God willing, I now stay spiritually fit thru my discipline, self-help groups and books. These tools allow the spirit of what the f#%* I need to say remain completely different than what the fuck I'd like to say or do.
My integrity, experience, boundaries and self respect are outpacing the latter of ignorance and irrational substance with or without God. I meditate and allow God to walk me thru the results without jumping into decisions today. Today, I'm no doormat and I'm sober.
This quote from 12Step.org sums it up like,
"It is a pledge to continually monitor my life with honesty and humility. It requires me to be vigilant against my addictive behavior and against the triggers for my addictive behavior. It requires me to be humble before my God who can keep me from my addictive behavior if I have the right attitude. It requires me to deal with my defects promptly when they arise and not to let them linger in my life."
Negative learned habits of submissiveness, denigration ,and aggression influence my triggers of fear, obligation and guilt.
For me, fear, obligation and guilt have always separated me from my true convictions thru God via drugs, sex, and addiction.
Thank God, I'm learning. Learning how to be grateful and empathize with greater purpose than my ego principle('s). God has blessed me with these gifts. I hope God will bless you too. Keep trudging and keep it simple!
Peace be upon you
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