Today, I was at the clinic for a check-up concerning my health. I suffer from debilitating condition('s). But you couldn't tell... Cause' for years I have been going up in these hospitals allowing myself to "bend, twist and reach." I learned that respect ain't given, it's taken. And since I didn't respect my own health and well-being, while complaining about paralysis and numb "this and that". These physicians eventually end-up-like, "Take yo' broke-down-ass" back to work then!
I told the women in my family, "Hoes do what they want to do. Women do what they have to do!" This mantra includes men.
When I was kid my mom used to call for job interviews "masking" her voice. Pretending to sound "Caucasian". My dad was a dope fiend and ruined our lives in more ways than I can remember. But my mom "intervened" one day. Bought him a "one-way" ticket out of town and said, "I got a family to raise. Clean up or were through!"
He cleaned up.
She made him take responsibility for his self-respect; and he did just that. He "Manned Up!"
Man, did that soak in today.
Her lessons showed me how to work hard thru my decisions; however the choices are presented; right or wrong.
I've decided today at my appointment not to be "toxic container."
It took me all night struggling with how I needed to approach this dilemma.
Show up and let the appointment do me; or do the appointment.
I'm used to hurting. I'm safe there. Not dealing with my issues is comfortable; being a victim. Running over people and being a doormat. When in fact 99.9% of the time these are truths of my experience I chose not to confront inside of myself; so I hide, lash out, and stuff it.
Over these last couple of years I've used the end of a pen as that "container" to help me confront my self, and other's who have caused me harm. Thru talking and facing these issues, within myself and others, I have been able to "let go" of alot of resentments and heal.
Today, my daughter had to take some respect for herself. She doesn't like practing martial arts on her "period"; understable. But it's natural and it's hers; not mines. So after screaming at me about not listening, I politely asked her to tell her teacher that she wouldn't be attending class during "her" period. And what a success that was!
He listened. Understood. Even told her he would pick her up when we couldn't afford to get her over there. She cried. My daughter hasn't said yet, but she wasn’t' expecting that (she thought he was going to flip).
Today, I got across my medical disabilities. Thank you Mama.
The truth of the matter is that I was scared of lying to these people; even a little bit. But I need the money to help make ends meet. So just for today, I showed them I had some self-respect for myself and my family.
I prayed, meditated, and allowed my conscience to be my guide.
I didn't "bow down" or "lay down". I'm unable to with this level of pain.
I didn't blow my appointment with "disbelief" either. By putting other's best interest before mines. So I rested in that pain for a couple of hours. GOD willing, by putting my best interest first.
and I put a dub on it; go figure. GOD is the Greatest. I'm feeling so grateful.
Peace be upon you